THE WEEKLY RAG – ISSUE 1

GOD STUMPS TRUMP!

By our Religious Correspondent

Tensions between the Kingdom of Heaven and the Republican party escalated to boiling point this week as a row broke out between Republican Frontrunner Donald J. Trump and a senior figure within the Heavenly Kingdom, God.

It began when the Almighty Father (for it is He) released a damning statement which went back on a promise of centuries.

“If Donald Trump becomes the next President of the United States then I will no longer bless America” He said.

angry trump

Trump points angrily at the source of the latest scandal. (AP Photo/Charles Sykes)

There was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth in Mr Trump’s office as they reacted with fury to the news, and Trump himself issued a statement which began, “The Wall just got several thousand light years higher,” leaving the entire population of Mexico emptying their pockets and sighing woefully.

“I will no longer bless America” – God, 2016

“It’s not like I even believe in God anyway,” Mr Trump’s statement continued.

The administration of Heaven was quick to issue a response.

“Well you did believe that beginning a mortgage company months before the ’08 housing recession was a good idea, and look how that turned out.”

Mr Trump is currently in the middle of an intense presidential campaign against his two Democratic rivals, Hillary “Change your bloody e-mail password” Clinton and Bernie “Spot the Socialist” Sanders.

“If I were to be completely frank,” God said, in a clarifying press-release earlier today, “if Donald Trump becomes the President then I wouldn’t bless America even if it fucking sneezed”.

More on this story as it develops.

Image taken from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/106186503689934080/