By Our Food Correspondent –

Local Subway* regulars were left stunned earlier this morning as a new customer, Ron Pratt, 46, suffered an intense nervous breakdown after having to answer the numerous questions at the counter.

“I knew something was wrong the moment I asked him which bread he wanted,” said Sarah Beckett, 19, a Sandwich Artist, “beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and he went as white as a Hearty Italian.”

“Don’t even ask how he looked when I asked what length he wanted,” she added.

The Weekly Rag caught up with Mr. Pratt in the emergency ward of the local hospital, where he was to be found recovering from his severe shock.

“I-I don’t get it,” he stammered. “Usually I just pick an item from the menu and it’s delivered to me; I didn’t expect to have to undergo a pop-quiz on meat and salad first. All of those choices by a judging barista, all those impatient people waiting and judging behind me and all of those in front laughing at me as I dawdle. I didn’t, I just didn’t know what to do. I’m not good in those types of situations.”

Here the recollection clearly became to vivid, so the interview had to be paused.

Upon finally selecting a six-inch, Italian, chicken tandoori sandwich, Pratt thought that his troubles were over, so he reacted with horror when Beckett asked if he wanted the sandwich “cheese and toasted.”

“Good grief, it’s like I was on Mastermind,” sobbed Pratt, “I just wanted to take my sandwich, and whatever dignity I had left, and get out of there.”

The cause of fifty thousand clueless customers a year.

Unfortunately for Mr. Pratt, he was out of luck, as his sandwich was removed from the toaster and put into the hands of the Subway Manager, Mr Jiggle.

“You should’ve seen the poor bastard!” said Jiggle, 57, “Last time I’ve seen a customer that distraught was when we accidentally fed someone the tuna. I asked him if he wanted any salad, so he just stared at me. After awhile, he took a deep breath and screamed, “GIVE ME EVERYTHING!”

“I may have gone a little overboard,” conceded Pratt, but my sandwich had just been taken further down the line and placed in front of another complete stranger, so then I was expected to try and get a read on his personality too.”

“I just wanted lunch,” he continued, sadly.

Stunned, Mr Jiggle put every ingredient of the salad onto the sandwich, and Pratt thought that he was in the clear.

“I thought, “I’ve done it! That’s it! My deliverance is at hand! But oh, he wasn’t done.” said Mr Pratt.

“Well, I mean, the sauce can make all of the difference in a sandwich,” said Mr Jiggle, “What did he expect? He had to be asked.”

It was at this point that Mr Pratt passed out and the ambulance had to be called.

“This sort of thing happens a lot,” said his doctor, “people not knowing quite how to order food at subway. Speaking as a former sandwich artist myself, it’s all rather depressing”.


*Eat Fresh


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By Our Doomsday Correspondent


Red alerts were flashing and sirens were blaring in NATO headquarters earlier this morning as unconfirmed reports flooded in that Russia had initiated a full invasion of Ukraine. An estimate of 60,000 troops crossed over the Russo-Ukrainian border into the Donetsk and Luhansk regions of the western-aligned country.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko was quick to slam the move, denouncing it and naming it “nothing less than an open declaration of war”.

NATO diplomats desperately tried to make sense of the situation and found themselves frantically flying back and forth between Kiev and Moscow in order to prevent a potentially disastrous outcome. However, they were soon relieved to find that the entire affair had been a colossal misunderstanding.

“Donetsk region of Ukraine holds rare Pokémon,” explained Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Our troops merely walk in with phones; no guns or weapons to be seen.”

In response, US President Nominee Donald Trump replied, “This is just because the Russians want to one-up me and my Pokémon. I have the best Pokémon, brought in from Mexico. I have the very best, most beautiful team! They’re just trying to build a more beautiful roster than me and make the Ukrainians pay for it.”

Many leaders of NATO who initially denounced the move, such as anti-Russia hardliners like Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, took back their denouncements when they discovered that in a small town in Eastern Ukraine, an extremely rare type of Pokémon, Mewtwo, was to be found.


The first face of Pokéball Diplomacy?


“Honestly, that’s fair enough then,” agreed US President Barrack Obama. “Frankly, I’m a little upset that those Russian folks got to it first.”

By the early hours of this evening, the Russians, content with their capture, withdrew entirely from Eastern Ukraine. However, the Kremlin still refused to hand the Crimean Peninsula back over to the Ukrainians, stating that “Crimea has top-notch Pokémon facilities, far superior than inferior Western Pokémon gyms. Comrade Caterpie will use nothing less.”

This is just the latest in a series of international incidents thanks to Nintendo’s extremely popular new app, Pokémon GO! Since it’s release, North Korea has taken South Korea’s Bidoofs, a Pikachu was found in Taiwan, much to China’s annoyance, and First Contact with an alien society was thrown off when the ‘Blaargon’ disembarked the flying saucer and said, “Take me to your Gym Leader”.


And In Other News…

On the 23rd June 2016 the United Kingdom held a very important, nation shaping referendum. Upon entering the voting booth, the electorate found themselves answering as to whether they SHOULD or SHOULDN’T have to shoot themselves in the right foot.

Astoundingly, the SHOULD campaign won with a margin of 52%, which caused stock markets, especially those concentrating on footwear, to plummet.

“A result is a result I guess…OUCH!” said outgoing Prime Minister David Cameron in his resignation speech, shortly before new PM Theresa May hopped in to power.

“I voted SHOULD because I honestly didn’t think it could happen,” said local, confused man Gary Barnes, “I just wanted to stick it to the Conservatives, who seemed fond of their feet. Particularly those on the right”.

It remains to be seen how the new PM is going to manage the newly handicapped nation.


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Google Maps.




By Our Sports Correspondent


There was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth today as fan favourite team, ‘The God Squad’, lost a devastating game of 2-1 to Wales in the Euro 2016 football tournament. The following is the match report in full:

It started poorly for TGS when they were forced to start the match a man down because left-fielder, Noah, was unable to turn up to the stadium because ‘the tide was out’.

“Also it’s a bit silly that they don’t allow pets isn’t it? Why bother?” he reportedly said.

The usual substitute, Adam, was unable to replace Noah because he hadn’t brought his kit, or indeed any form of clothing other than a fig leaf.

Undeterred, the ten men, long beards and all, all filed out onto to the pitch to meet their Welsh counterparts. After the obligatory singing of the respective anthems, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau and He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands (complete with the appropriate dance moves), the match began.


During a photo op, only the captain keeps his cool as the rest of the squad bickers over formation choices.


The God Squad got off to a good start after Moses, the centre forward, got a hold of the ball and began running rings around the Welsh team. He parted the sea of red shirts as he sprinted the full length of the pitch and scored a sensational goal within the first fifteen minutes. There was great merriment and jubilation amongst the fans in the stands, and the Pope himself is said to have punched a Russian hooligan in celebration.

However, things took an unfortunate turn shortly into the second half after centre fielder, Jesus, got possession just outside of the welsh box but took a knee shattering tackle before he could do anything with it. He was taken off the field on a stretcher. Miraculously, he reappeared on the pitch just three minutes later.

During the downtime, Bale managed to sneak in a goal past the God Squad keeper, Goliath, by cleverly distracting the Philistine giant with a rock sling, causing him to flinch, which brought the game back up to equal terms, proving that the day was still anybody’s.

It was at the 89th minute which spelled disaster for the God Squad, as fatefully, Abraham passed the ball to Judas Iscariot, who promptly spun around and scored a spectacular, disastrous own goal against Goliath, netting the Welsh team the victory in the final moments of the game.

The fans were quick to slam Iscariot’s play, and the hashtag “#ClassicJudas” appeared all over the ‘Twittersphere’.

Iscariot himself justified the move by saying, “I placed a bet that we’d lose 2-1. I’m thirty quid better off!”

In the post match interviews, the team manager Pontius Pilate simply said “I am washing my hands of the whole affair.”


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