THE WEEKLY RAG – ISSUE 4

‘GOD SQUAD’ STRIKES OUT OF EURO 2016

By Our Sports Correspondent

 

There was a great wailing and gnashing of teeth today as fan favourite team, ‘The God Squad’, lost a devastating game of 2-1 to Wales in the Euro 2016 football tournament. The following is the match report in full:

It started poorly for TGS when they were forced to start the match a man down because left-fielder, Noah, was unable to turn up to the stadium because ‘the tide was out’.

“Also it’s a bit silly that they don’t allow pets isn’t it? Why bother?” he reportedly said.

The usual substitute, Adam, was unable to replace Noah because he hadn’t brought his kit, or indeed any form of clothing other than a fig leaf.

Undeterred, the ten men, long beards and all, all filed out onto to the pitch to meet their Welsh counterparts. After the obligatory singing of the respective anthems, Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau and He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands (complete with the appropriate dance moves), the match began.

Leonardo_da_Vinci_-_Last_Supper_(copy)_-_WGA12732.jpg

During a photo op, only the captain keeps his cool as the rest of the squad bickers over formation choices.

 

The God Squad got off to a good start after Moses, the centre forward, got a hold of the ball and began running rings around the Welsh team. He parted the sea of red shirts as he sprinted the full length of the pitch and scored a sensational goal within the first fifteen minutes. There was great merriment and jubilation amongst the fans in the stands, and the Pope himself is said to have punched a Russian hooligan in celebration.

However, things took an unfortunate turn shortly into the second half after centre fielder, Jesus, got possession just outside of the welsh box but took a knee shattering tackle before he could do anything with it. He was taken off the field on a stretcher. Miraculously, he reappeared on the pitch just three minutes later.

During the downtime, Bale managed to sneak in a goal past the God Squad keeper, Goliath, by cleverly distracting the Philistine giant with a rock sling, causing him to flinch, which brought the game back up to equal terms, proving that the day was still anybody’s.

It was at the 89th minute which spelled disaster for the God Squad, as fatefully, Abraham passed the ball to Judas Iscariot, who promptly spun around and scored a spectacular, disastrous own goal against Goliath, netting the Welsh team the victory in the final moments of the game.

The fans were quick to slam Iscariot’s play, and the hashtag “#ClassicJudas” appeared all over the ‘Twittersphere’.

Iscariot himself justified the move by saying, “I placed a bet that we’d lose 2-1. I’m thirty quid better off!”

In the post match interviews, the team manager Pontius Pilate simply said “I am washing my hands of the whole affair.”

 

Images taken from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Supper_(Leonardo_da_Vinci)

http://www.uefa.com/uefaeuro/season=2016/matches/

 

 

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