THE WEEKLY RAG – ISSUE 5

RUSSIA ACCIDENTLY INVADES UKRAINE IN POKEMON FUELLED FRENZY

By Our Doomsday Correspondent

 

Red alerts were flashing and sirens were blaring in NATO headquarters earlier this morning as unconfirmed reports flooded in that Russia had initiated a full invasion of Ukraine. An estimate of 60,000 troops crossed over the Russo-Ukrainian border into the Donetsk and Luhansk regions of the western-aligned country.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko was quick to slam the move, denouncing it and naming it “nothing less than an open declaration of war”.

NATO diplomats desperately tried to make sense of the situation and found themselves frantically flying back and forth between Kiev and Moscow in order to prevent a potentially disastrous outcome. However, they were soon relieved to find that the entire affair had been a colossal misunderstanding.

“Donetsk region of Ukraine holds rare Pokémon,” explained Russian President Vladimir Putin. “Our troops merely walk in with phones; no guns or weapons to be seen.”

In response, US President Nominee Donald Trump replied, “This is just because the Russians want to one-up me and my Pokémon. I have the best Pokémon, brought in from Mexico. I have the very best, most beautiful team! They’re just trying to build a more beautiful roster than me and make the Ukrainians pay for it.”

Many leaders of NATO who initially denounced the move, such as anti-Russia hardliners like Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, took back their denouncements when they discovered that in a small town in Eastern Ukraine, an extremely rare type of Pokémon, Mewtwo, was to be found.

Mewtwo

The first face of Pokéball Diplomacy?

 

“Honestly, that’s fair enough then,” agreed US President Barrack Obama. “Frankly, I’m a little upset that those Russian folks got to it first.”

By the early hours of this evening, the Russians, content with their capture, withdrew entirely from Eastern Ukraine. However, the Kremlin still refused to hand the Crimean Peninsula back over to the Ukrainians, stating that “Crimea has top-notch Pokémon facilities, far superior than inferior Western Pokémon gyms. Comrade Caterpie will use nothing less.”

This is just the latest in a series of international incidents thanks to Nintendo’s extremely popular new app, Pokémon GO! Since it’s release, North Korea has taken South Korea’s Bidoofs, a Pikachu was found in Taiwan, much to China’s annoyance, and First Contact with an alien society was thrown off when the ‘Blaargon’ disembarked the flying saucer and said, “Take me to your Gym Leader”.

 

And In Other News…

On the 23rd June 2016 the United Kingdom held a very important, nation shaping referendum. Upon entering the voting booth, the electorate found themselves answering as to whether they SHOULD or SHOULDN’T have to shoot themselves in the right foot.

Astoundingly, the SHOULD campaign won with a margin of 52%, which caused stock markets, especially those concentrating on footwear, to plummet.

“A result is a result I guess…OUCH!” said outgoing Prime Minister David Cameron in his resignation speech, shortly before new PM Theresa May hopped in to power.

“I voted SHOULD because I honestly didn’t think it could happen,” said local, confused man Gary Barnes, “I just wanted to stick it to the Conservatives, who seemed fond of their feet. Particularly those on the right”.

It remains to be seen how the new PM is going to manage the newly handicapped nation.

 

Images taken from: http://pokemon.wikia.com/wiki/Mewtwo

Google Maps.

http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Pikachu_(Pok%C3%A9mon)

http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Bidoof_(Pok%C3%A9mon)

 

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