By Our Food Correspondent –

Local Subway* regulars were left stunned earlier this morning as a new customer, Ron Pratt, 46, suffered an intense nervous breakdown after having to answer the numerous questions at the counter.

“I knew something was wrong the moment I asked him which bread he wanted,” said Sarah Beckett, 19, a Sandwich Artist, “beads of sweat appeared on his forehead and he went as white as a Hearty Italian.”

“Don’t even ask how he looked when I asked what length he wanted,” she added.

The Weekly Rag caught up with Mr. Pratt in the emergency ward of the local hospital, where he was to be found recovering from his severe shock.

“I-I don’t get it,” he stammered. “Usually I just pick an item from the menu and it’s delivered to me; I didn’t expect to have to undergo a pop-quiz on meat and salad first. All of those choices by a judging barista, all those impatient people waiting and judging behind me and all of those in front laughing at me as I dawdle. I didn’t, I just didn’t know what to do. I’m not good in those types of situations.”

Here the recollection clearly became to vivid, so the interview had to be paused.

Upon finally selecting a six-inch, Italian, chicken tandoori sandwich, Pratt thought that his troubles were over, so he reacted with horror when Beckett asked if he wanted the sandwich “cheese and toasted.”

“Good grief, it’s like I was on Mastermind,” sobbed Pratt, “I just wanted to take my sandwich, and whatever dignity I had left, and get out of there.”

The cause of fifty thousand clueless customers a year.

Unfortunately for Mr. Pratt, he was out of luck, as his sandwich was removed from the toaster and put into the hands of the Subway Manager, Mr Jiggle.

“You should’ve seen the poor bastard!” said Jiggle, 57, “Last time I’ve seen a customer that distraught was when we accidentally fed someone the tuna. I asked him if he wanted any salad, so he just stared at me. After awhile, he took a deep breath and screamed, “GIVE ME EVERYTHING!”

“I may have gone a little overboard,” conceded Pratt, but my sandwich had just been taken further down the line and placed in front of another complete stranger, so then I was expected to try and get a read on his personality too.”

“I just wanted lunch,” he continued, sadly.

Stunned, Mr Jiggle put every ingredient of the salad onto the sandwich, and Pratt thought that he was in the clear.

“I thought, “I’ve done it! That’s it! My deliverance is at hand! But oh, he wasn’t done.” said Mr Pratt.

“Well, I mean, the sauce can make all of the difference in a sandwich,” said Mr Jiggle, “What did he expect? He had to be asked.”

It was at this point that Mr Pratt passed out and the ambulance had to be called.

“This sort of thing happens a lot,” said his doctor, “people not knowing quite how to order food at subway. Speaking as a former sandwich artist myself, it’s all rather depressing”.


*Eat Fresh


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