THE WEEKLY RAG – ISSUE 3

LIVE ACTION ‘TARZAN’ REMAKE SLAMMED

By our Entertainment Correspondent

 

The latest release from Disney,  a ‘gritty, realistic’ live action remake of the film ‘Tarzan’, has been universally panned by both critics and fans of the original film alike.

“Honestly, it was horrible,” shuddered one reviewer, “I wanted to know who this film was meant to be for. I watched it with my children, my husband, my parents, a few friends and my dog. We cried every time”.

“It’s bollocks really,” said long-time Disney enthusiast Richard Head, “There I was, sat down with my popcorn ready to enjoy a re-mastered classic, but ten minutes in and I had already turned it off in disgust. Now I have a bowl of popcorn just sat here doing bugger all.”

The controversy stems from a scene very early in the film. The sequence centres around a very young Tarzan visiting the zoo with his parents. Due to some wacky hijinks and an impromptu musical number, the boy finds himself falling into the gorilla pen. Before Kala, the ape and mother figure from the original has a chance to shine, she is promptly shot dead by Clayton, the zookeeper. The rest of the film allegedly focuses around the legal and ethical backlash of such actions, but upon questioning around, this newspaper was unable to find anybody who had stuck around the cinema long enough to confirm that.

Kala-(Tarzan)

God rest her soul.

 

The animal rights group PETA was quick to issue a statement. It read, “We’re vegan! Er, I mean, outraged!”

This controversy breaks a chain in contemporary Disney history, who have recently received a lot of positive feedback for its live action remakes centering on current themes. Some examples include Frozen: The War on Global Warming, Aladdin: The Return of Al ‘Qaeda, and Peter Pansexual.

Seemingly undeterred by the lack of success, the scriptwriter seemed optimistic on the franchise’s future.

“I already have plans for a spin-off series for Clayton,” he confided, “In the show we follow him as a dentist, who’s bored of suburban life. So, he travels to Africa to hunt some lions. No more spoilers though!”

And in other news…

Sources close to the British Monarchy are frantically denying reports that Prince Charles, tired of waiting in line for the throne, snapped earlier this week.

Rumours were leaked that a hostage situation had broken out when the Prince of Wales stole a number of the Queen’s corgis, broke out into The Lion King’s “Oh I just can’t wait to be King” and locked himself into a wardrobe.

“Fuck you Roger,” he’s alleged to have screamed at his Butler, “I just found Narnia, maybe they’ll let me be King!”

Aslan was unavailable for comment.

Before heading to press, The Weekly Rag was unable to confirm whether or not Tibbles, Hanky-Panky, Mister Fluffy and Selena Gomez had yet been released in one piece.

 

Image taken from Disney’s animated feature ‘Tarzan’

 

 

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THE WEEKLY RAG – ISSUE 2

THE EU REFERENDUM: IN, OUT OR SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT?

By our European Correspondent

Alarming new polls on the EU Referendum conducted by this newspaper have revealed a drop in support for both the IN and OUT campaigns. It comes amid a reportedly large surge of popularity for a third option, SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT.

“What appeals to me about SHAKE,” explained Jeff Twatt*, a SHAKE supporter from Surrey, 36, “is that it represents tuning out the droll, boyish rivalry between David Cameron and Boris Johnson. Instead, it encourages changing the channel to watch the Eurovision, where we get to see a whole bunch of movers and shakers strut their stuff from all over Europe. That’s what we as a culture, and a continent, need. Let’s face the music and dance!”

cameron2_3571525a-large_trans++C9PogZUtSpqAqO-tnweStb5qh9cfU8a8nPeLP9jiHHc.jpg

The SHAKE Frontrunner “bumps’n’grinds” Cameron as he attempts to make his exit.

When asked what SHAKE’s stance on immigration was, he said, “Can they swagger?”

In the first televised debate between IN, OUT, and SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT, David Cameron claimed that a Brexit scenario could lead to a third world war. Boris Johnson slammed the claim as stupid, and accused “The Old Boy” of being “jolly stupid just for suggesting it”, whilst the representative for SHAKE moonwalked aggressively towards an anxious looking George Osborne.

When questioned on what a post-SHAKE victory Europe would look like, Twatt suggested that “the continent would be plunged into a furore of unstoppable merriment and dancing, which would have as much historical impact as the outbreak of the first world war, just with less bombs and more boogie.”

 

*Names haven’t been changed.

Images taken from: http://europa.eu/about-eu/basic-information/symbols/images/flag_yellow_low.jpg

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/03/22/eu-referendum-the-europe-debate-in-numbers/